A conversation with my mom via e-mail

Me: Apparently J is not the happy, go lucky man I once knew. I have insider information that he has become bitter and mean and not-fun.
Mom: He is not the J you loved...
Me: Where did he go?
Mom: He is in a tomb under his Quaker primary school – his spirit never grew older than the last age he was when he went there.
Me: Probably.
Mom: You will find a nice/patient/all-loving and generous guy. He’ll probably be Catholic, not Quaker.*

*J was not Quaker, just went to a Quaker primary school that taught the kids with the Quaker, hands-off, non-grading, teach-what-the-kids-want-to-be-taught ideals. He has (in my opinion) severe and negative effects from going to such a tiny school. My mother is a public school teacher. And a Catholic.

NOTE: My mother is usually an open-minded woman, but when it comes to men who have hurt me, she can be brutal. It's the Jersey Girl in her, I think. At least, I hope it's not genetic...

And, I'm over it

Thankfully, I have been feeling better about being a single lady lately because (drum roll please) J has a new girlfriend. And apparently, from what I hear from our mutual friends, his relationship with this new girl is virtually identical to our relationship. Here is the checklist:
- Previously established relationship (as a friend) - Check!
- Complete obsession with each other - Check!
- Jumping in head first and going from 0 to 100 mph in about three minutes - Check!
- Spending nearly every night together - Check!
- She has an adorable name - Check!

I am not sad really. I think finding this out has actually jolted me into reality and I am able to say, "Man, I am over it." Let her deal with his shortcomings and neuroses. I am donzo. Unfortunately, she lives in Manhattan so I hope I don't run into them anywhere. I might throw up on him, mostly because he makes me sick. I mean, he didn't learn did he? That is sickening, to walk away from a relationship and not learn anything? Wow, I mean, I learned a lot and I know I won't make the same mistakes (see bullet points three and four, for example). Whatever. He's finally gone, and I am not sad. Party time!

And I hit a break-up milestone...

So, it's been a little over a week since I've mentioned J, and as you can see, I have not been blogging about him nearly as much as I was in 2008. I don't want you to think that he is no longer on my mind, when, in fact, thoughts of him and us linger on the edge of consciousness...all the time. Usually his name flashes just behind my eyes, in the space of my mind that is only filled when running, working out, in meetings at work and reading. He is still there, still renting real estate in my hippocampus (the part of the brain responsible for memory). Luckily he's downgraded from an unsightly mansion the size of Bill Gates' estate to a 20-something's Manhattan apartment. My thoughts of him rarely elicit the response they did months ago, a flash of heat and gage reflex. Yet, still, sometimes I feel a flush hiding just beneath my skin; it takes a few minutes of deep breathing and ab contractions (to focus my thoughts on something physical) to push the heat and panic back into my heart.

This morning, months after stupid J broke my heart, I hit a milestone in the worst break-up in my history. I was on the 5 train on my way to work. I looked down, and the guy standing next to me was wearing brown shoes with an outfit that would have been better served by black shoes. When we were in love, J didn't have black dress shoes, only these brownish, orange, wingtipish shoes. And I smiled. I smiled when I thought of his quirky brown shoes. I finally smiled from a memory and there was no animosity, or love, or pain in the smile. Nothing but happiness from a memory; happiness from a thought about him. And this was the first time since our break-up three months ago that I was able to think about him without feeling regret, pain, sadness or jealousy. Am I ready to be his friend? Absolutely not. But it appears as if I am well on my way to either being able to accept life without him or allowing him to have an active presence in my world.

Halloween in NYC

Happy Belated Halloween everyone! Halloween 2008 was one for the record books! My costume ruled! I was a dead bride - you see, right after my wedding ceremony, I stepped into the rectory to freshen up my makeup - as soon as I shut the door, my husband's ex-girlfriend stepped out of the shadows and slit my throat - my new husband came looking for me minutes later, only to find his bride dead on the floor, blood seeping from my fresh wound (see first photograph below for visual representation of this description).

After perfecting my tragic costume (which felt suspiciously like getting ready for one of the many musicals in which I acted), I headed to New York City with a group of friends, including J, David (a former work colleague and great friend), and Florin and Thomas (J's German roommates). We made our way down to the village to meet more Halloween freaks (as my friend Samantha calls everyone wearing crazy costumes), watch some of the famous Village Halloween Parade and hang out at bars on Bleeker Street. J and I had our picture taken so many times by random strangers. In fact, after posing for a picture with some girl, she proclaimed, "This is so going to be my myspace profile picture!" As J put it, "you made it!" Ha!

One bar at which we spent time was the Greenwich Treehouse. It was the second floor of a building and one whole side was windows looking out onto the street; from here we were given pieces of paper with numbers and phrases to rate costumes on the street. Following our stint as judges (which, by the way, I thoroughly enjoyed - I mean, we don't often get a chance to openly judge the way people look, do we?) we walked around Bleeker Street, scoping out costumers and taking some great photographs. All in all, Halloween 2008 was a great success!

Me in costume:


Thomas (as a stereotype) and J (as a geriatric zombie):


David as a couch rocker:

New steps - old griefs - new life??

Yesterday was my last day at my job. I quit, and not a day too soon. I'm not sure how much longer I could make the hellish commute from Highland Park, N.J. to Collegeville, Pa. It was a delightful last day. My co-workers took me out to lunch and I spent the day transitioning my supervisor and colleagues.

I start my new job as a communications specialist in a financial services company on Monday, November 10. I will be working in Manhattan - a dream of mine for a very very very long time. It's amazing to me that just when one part of your life goes to Hell, another part of your life can go unbelievably smooth. As you well know, my romantic life is virtually non-existent. In fact, the thought kissing someone makes me want to vomit. I didn't have this problem when my last relationship dissolved - I jumped right into a new one, swiftly and easily. I guess that with my recently deceased relationship I just wasn't really ready to give him up yet. So, while my romantic life sucks harder than a hoover, my professional life seems to be making some great headway. Additionally, my friends are totally ruling right now. I had dinner with an oldie yesterday; spent today walking around Brooklyn and Manhattan with my future roommate, Kathryn (www.thesassykathy.com); had dinner tonight with my best friend from middle and high school; am working at my friend's booth at the Photography Expo in New York tomorrow; walking in the JDRF walk on Sunday morning with J and our friend Samantha who organized the J&J team; will be visiting Bryan in Orlando early next week; am hanging out with my brother at PSU next weekend; and just booked a trip to Ireland for Nov, 3-9! I am super busy and my life seems to kick ass, and it really does, but while I am content and feel very settled with everything, I can't help but be sad at the same time. The one friend I miss the most right now is J. I can't help it. We talk occasionally and email and text a bit, but dammit I miss that guy. I still can't believe we didn't make it. I just can't believe it. I'm doing alright without him. I'm staying busy and trying to not think about him, but he's still there. He pops into my mind at the most random times during the day. In many ways, this broken heart hurts so much more than the last one. But for some strange reason, I have been able to cope better this time around. Maybe it's because I am more confident in my ability to exist as a single entity; I know I don't need another person to strengthen my identity (wow -that phrase could be song lyrics!). I'm grieving (as evident in one of my previous posts) but the grieving process is manageable. Maybe, deep down, I am not truly convinced that he really wanted this to fail. And maybe I have been prepared for the relationship to disintegrate. Who knows.

So, the real reason I am blogging about all this stuff is the hope that someone out there who is going through a tough break up will read this and feel comforted by the knowledge that she/he is not alone. Because going through a break up is not easy and I often feel alone. Luckily, I have amazing friends and a loving family to help me through. So thanks friends and fam. You guys rock my socks off!