New steps - old griefs - new life??

Yesterday was my last day at my job. I quit, and not a day too soon. I'm not sure how much longer I could make the hellish commute from Highland Park, N.J. to Collegeville, Pa. It was a delightful last day. My co-workers took me out to lunch and I spent the day transitioning my supervisor and colleagues.

I start my new job as a communications specialist in a financial services company on Monday, November 10. I will be working in Manhattan - a dream of mine for a very very very long time. It's amazing to me that just when one part of your life goes to Hell, another part of your life can go unbelievably smooth. As you well know, my romantic life is virtually non-existent. In fact, the thought kissing someone makes me want to vomit. I didn't have this problem when my last relationship dissolved - I jumped right into a new one, swiftly and easily. I guess that with my recently deceased relationship I just wasn't really ready to give him up yet. So, while my romantic life sucks harder than a hoover, my professional life seems to be making some great headway. Additionally, my friends are totally ruling right now. I had dinner with an oldie yesterday; spent today walking around Brooklyn and Manhattan with my future roommate, Kathryn (www.thesassykathy.com); had dinner tonight with my best friend from middle and high school; am working at my friend's booth at the Photography Expo in New York tomorrow; walking in the JDRF walk on Sunday morning with J and our friend Samantha who organized the J&J team; will be visiting Bryan in Orlando early next week; am hanging out with my brother at PSU next weekend; and just booked a trip to Ireland for Nov, 3-9! I am super busy and my life seems to kick ass, and it really does, but while I am content and feel very settled with everything, I can't help but be sad at the same time. The one friend I miss the most right now is J. I can't help it. We talk occasionally and email and text a bit, but dammit I miss that guy. I still can't believe we didn't make it. I just can't believe it. I'm doing alright without him. I'm staying busy and trying to not think about him, but he's still there. He pops into my mind at the most random times during the day. In many ways, this broken heart hurts so much more than the last one. But for some strange reason, I have been able to cope better this time around. Maybe it's because I am more confident in my ability to exist as a single entity; I know I don't need another person to strengthen my identity (wow -that phrase could be song lyrics!). I'm grieving (as evident in one of my previous posts) but the grieving process is manageable. Maybe, deep down, I am not truly convinced that he really wanted this to fail. And maybe I have been prepared for the relationship to disintegrate. Who knows.

So, the real reason I am blogging about all this stuff is the hope that someone out there who is going through a tough break up will read this and feel comforted by the knowledge that she/he is not alone. Because going through a break up is not easy and I often feel alone. Luckily, I have amazing friends and a loving family to help me through. So thanks friends and fam. You guys rock my socks off!

The First Meeting

I saw J for the first time today since we broke up nine days ago. We had a long discussion via phone last night about our relationship, what it was and how we want things to look and feel. He has never been friends with an ex before. Me - well one of my best friends in the whole world, Bryan, is also an ex-boyfriend. Not only that, but he and I fell in love with each other at separate times during our semi-complicated relationship. But now, he's a dear friend and has been there to pick up the pieces of my heart each time it has been broken. And I have done the same for him. Anyway, I digress. So, J and I talked last night and both restated our intentions - to become friends and redevelop a relationship similar to the one we left behind when we started sleeping together. It's going to take time, but I'm confident that we will be able to reestablish a friendly relationship. Since we were friends for eight months before we started dating, I think this is possible.

I spent the afternoon working in Starbucks (the only benefit to being a consultant is that I can work remotely wherever I can get an Internet connection). He visited me and we actually had a normal conversation. What I found very interesting is that I used to get butterflies upon first glance - today, he was just J. Just J. That's it. The man I have known for more than a year. Yeah, we've seen each other naked. Yeah, he has seen my ugly boob scars (I had a breast reduction surgery two years ago) and wasn't disgusted. Yeah, we were in love and totally crazy about each other for months. But in the end, he's just J. My dear friend J. I looked into his eyes, like I had done a million times before, and for the first time I saw not just a man I love, but a man who is lost and confused. This whole break up thing has really opened my eyes to things about him I didn't want to see. Now that I see them, I am starting to realize that maybe I'm going to be okay without him; maybe breaking up with him is a good thing. I'm not totally convinced yet, but I think that as time goes by, I will believe this more and more. The really interesting thing though is that I still love him. I wonder if I ever won't. Knowing me though, because he at one time owned my heart, he will always have a piece of it. Let's just hope, for my sake, that the piece he owns becomes identical to the one Bryan owns, which is part of my heart dedicated to my friends.

The Face of Grief

Okay, I warned you it might be difficult to see/read some of the things on this blog... here is a picture of me after my nightly cry (which has been a daily occurrence since breaking up with J).

My vendetta against me

The last time I suffered from a broken heart, I had a personal vendetta against myself. It was March 2004 and I was a junior in college. N (the ex-boyfriend) came to me one night and said he didn’t love me anymore and doubted that he really ever had in the first place. My self-esteem was in the garbage and I had blamed my less than perfect body, ill-fitting clothes, and chronic depression on the reason for our breakup. I thought I had done something wrong to make him not love me. Was I too clingy, not clingy enough, boring, bad in the sack, ugly, unmotivated? What was it about me that make him not want to be with me anymore? Rather than focus on getting my life together, I turned to alcohol, sex with inappropriate men, drugs and the friends who could provide me with this lifestyle. It was fun, for a while, to get wasted at some college bar, go home with an equally drunk frat boy or punk guy, fuck, and drag my sorry, hurt self home at the crack of dawn, only to fall asleep and miss another Finance 100 class. This may seem like a sad existence, but my lowest moment was months later; I was living in Manhattan for the summer and I woke up on Memorial Day next to a naked, sweaty, snoring U.S. Marine. He was the second Marine I slept with in two days and as my bedroom began to fill with light, I realized that I have to stop sleeping with men who have the potential to poison my body with some unholy sexually transmitted disease. And so, for 10 months, I still partied way too hard, but I was much more careful when choosing sexual conquests.

My heart was broken again just this week. But things are completely different. I know, this time, that this break up was not my fault. Well, in a way, I guess both parties are somewhat at fault in break ups because, let’s face it, it takes two to tango. So the unbalance in a relationship has to do with the connection between the two individuals in said relationship, but I digress. Anyway, this break up, which is proving to be much more devastating to me than the last, is not completely my fault. I know deep in my core that I could have done nothing different; that J’s inability to grow and his insecurity in his feelings for me, are the underlying reasons for our premature demise as a couple. And so, while I am unhappy about our split and am physically hurting from this heartbreak, I am in a much better place. I am, after 10 years of hating it, finally liking my body; I am taking great strides to build my career as a communications professional and writer; my health is at its peak and my level of physical and mental fitness is finally stable; my friends are more than amazing, as is my family; and I am actually beginning to really love myself. J, if you don’t want me, if you don’t want this pretty darn awesome person, then someone else out there will be more than happy to take me on, I’m sure of it. I am not comfortable saying, “well, J, it’s your loss,” because it’s my loss, too, because in so many ways, he is great and I miss him. J’s and my connection to each other was strong, our compatibility was crystal clear and the sickening level of happiness we felt when we were with each other will continue to haunt me as the days go by and as we get farther and farther from October 12, a date which has become my D-Day. Luckily, compared to D-Day, things can only get better.

Helping me cope

I heard one of Kenny Chesney’s new songs today on No Shoes Radio (channel 18 on XM). It’s called “I’m Alive” and he collaborated with Dave Matthews on the arrangement. As many of you could tell from yesterday’s blog entry, my heart is hurting right now and when this happens, I find that a few good songs help get me through the most agonizing moments. “I’m Alive” is one of the songs I will be listening to on repeat when I get his new album on Friday. The lyrics are empowering and tell a great story (I included them below). “Womanizer” by Britney Spears is another song I identified as a good “break up” song, especially because my dear ex is such a cad.

"I’m Alive"
So damn easy to say that life's so hard
Everybody's got their share of battle scars
As for me, I'd like to thank my lucky stars that I'm alive and well...
It'd be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me...I'm alive
And today you know that's good enough for me
Breathin' in and out's a blessing can't you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life and I'm alive
And well...I'm alive and well
The stars are dancin' on the water here tonight
It's gonna fall a soul when there's not a soul in sight
This boat has caught its wind and brought me back to life now I'm alive and well

New Britney Video

Check out Britney Spears' video for her new single "Womanizer." It is just so good! Welcome back Britney!

Time

Time.

Some of us have too much, some too little. Me, well, I just need it to pass…quickly.

Two days ago I broke up with the man of my dreams; the man I wanted to have kids with; the man who, in so many ways, enhanced me; the man who had become my best friend. I broke up with him because he wasn’t sure about me. I broke up with him because it hurt way too much to be with him and wonder every night if it was the last night we would spend together. I broke up with him because I deserve someone who is sure that he wants me. And I am so sad.

I asked him why, three weeks ago we appeared to be happy and were best friends, inseparable and laughing all the time. His response: “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” My friends are sure he’s going to regret losing this relationship. I know they can’t really be objective in this kind of situation, but I sincerely hope they are right.

Today is Day Two without J. And it sucks…badly. The pain of not having him to talk to is palpable.

How much time needs to go by until I’m okay?

Rants and Raves

For some strange reason, I have started losing weight. I am doing absolutely nothing different. I still eat the same and my gym visits have remained consistent, but the pounds are just coming off. This rules for obvious reasons: look better, feel better, boost in self-confidence, etc. etc. However, all my clothes are now big on me. That sucks. I don't have that kind of cash to blow on an entirely new wardrobe, so I bought a new belt and am going to weight (pun intended and wrong spelling used on purpose) it out.

Dreaming of a new home

So I was offered a job at a PR agency in New York! I think I'm going to accept. This is the first step towards my goal of living in Manhattan. Step 2: Find an apartment. My friend, Kathryn (see her blog at www.thesassykathy.com), has willingly agreed to be my faithful roommate - I hope she knows what she's getting into there! Luckily, we are both relatively narcissistic, but not to the point of completely self-obsessed; enjoy the ballet; love great food; pretend to be writers (although, she's actually a great writer); and have semi-serious shopping problems. For example, we haven't even found an apartment yet and are still months away from moving, but I am already furnishing our new home.

I am obsessed with this owl lamp from Anthropologie:


And if I can't get these curtains, I might die:


I have been dreaming of owning a chair like this since I graduated college:

Walking in my own shoes

They say you shouldn't judge someone, unless you have had the chance to walk in their shoes. Well, I judged 21-year-old Brie today.

So I went for a bike ride today in Johnson Park. During my relaxing ride, I noticed that I was wearing the sneakers I bought for my trip to France in March 2005. These tan and maroon Saucony sneakers have certainly been everywhere. I wore them in France - the countryside, Versailles, and Paris - and all over the U.S. When I first bought these sneakers, I was about 30 pounds heavier, had no self-esteem or self-respect, and was afraid. I hadn't ever really fallen in love, didn't have a degree, was never on my own, was not independent, and highly irresponsible.

Since March 2005, three and a half years ago, I have grown...a lot. I have created a banging resume, graduated undergrad and grad school, moved in with a boyfriend then out on my own, lost more than 30 pounds, gained a pretty great sense of style (at least that's in my opinion) and lastly, I fell in love.

So I'm older, I'm wiser, and, arguably, smarter - but it doesn't mean that things have been and are easy or easier than they used to be. In fact, growing up has been hard and will continue to be hard. I thought I found the one person that could make this hard, sometimes cruel, life fun and interesting and exciting. I thought he found that in me, too. But now, we are both not so sure. I miss him.

Visiting Buckley the Boxer

So I visited the newlyweds, Carla and Jason, tonight. They got married on September 12, went on a two-week-long honeymoon, came home and got a dog. I met Buckley, the newest addition to their little family. He is delightful!

Ahh how cute!

The Seriousness of Relationships...

Being 25 is so weird. I feel too old to be considered young and carefree. Yet I'm too young to feel the need to settle, for a guy, a job, a home, etc...

I am chatting with an old friend on iChat right now. We are talking about marriage and relationships. Neither of us are ready to commit to marriage but we understand that, at this age, when we start dating someone, we need to think "is this someone I could potentially want to settle down with?" If the answer to that question is, "maybe" then give the relationship some time. If the answer is, "no way" then what's the point of being with that person. If the answer is "I'm not sure" then stick it out for a bit longer and see what happens. You know, if you think that maybe there is some chance that this person might possibly be someone you could see yourself with, you should not give up. At least that's what we decided.

We also decided that we are romantic cynics. We love being in love, but hate it at the same time. We allow ourselves to see futures with the people we date, but hate when we let ourselves see these futures. Additionally, we are in the same boat regarding the seriousness of relationships at our age. We both want to have fun, good sex and good times; we want to just chill out and have a good time with a person we feel could be a part of our futures.

Puppy!

My friend, Carla, and her husband, Jason, just got a new puppy! This is Buckley and he is just beautiful! Congrats Carla and Jason!

Women worry more than men - study results...

Guess what everyone - it's true, women do worry more than men!

http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/10/03/hfh.women.anxiety/index.html

According to this article, if you're a woman, you are twice as likely to suffer from anxiety than men, says the Anxiety Disorders Association of America. Also, "women feeling anxious might be more comfortable talking to someone about it, while men, when stressed, might feel more comfortable going out for a drink with the guys." So guys, when we want to talk about our worries, it's just a natural thing, something we are all bound to do just because we are women. And all you ladies, when your man doesn't want to talk about his problems and the things that cause him anxiety, don't freak...that's just how he's wired.

Happy Times

My friend Carla got married a few weeks ago. Her wedding was soooo much fun! The boyfriend and I had an amazing time (this was pre-issues) and we got to hang out with the fun friends from his current work and my past place of employment. See some pictures below of our fun night in Summit, N.J.

By the way, the Grand Summit Hotel was so cool and the town of Summit ruled. We went to this diner for breakfast - the diner has been around for more than 75 years! It was cheap and delicious!





I also spent a long weekend at a family friend's beach house two weeks ago. J and I had some friends down to Barnegat Light on Long Beach Island for part of the long weekend and we went on a bike ride, out to dinner, the beach (he surfed and I just swam - I'm trying to learn how to surf, but it's hard), climbed the Barnegat Light Lighthouse, walked on the jetty and played a lot of cards. We had an awesome weekend!

Now, a question for you readers. Why would you want to kick someone out of your life that makes you happy, who does fun things with you and with whom you are compatible?

Carved Pumpkins

Check it - I want to carve my pumpkins like this:

Heart Ache

It happens when you least expect it. Due to confusion, your heart begins to break. You're not sure why or when it begins. But one day, you find out that he's not as happy as he seems. With life and because you are a part of his life, with you, too. But no matter what, you still love him and will probably forever.

I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore. Sometimes I love him; without a doubt in my mind, I love him. And other times, I'm confused. I don't know how to feel. All there's left to do is fight for love as much as possible, but let it go when the fighting is too much to bear. I don't know when that will happen. We were deliriously happy for more than three months. Now, I just don't know what happened. Real life maybe. Real life and adulthood. Wish us luck, dear readers. Wish us luck.