24 October 2008

New steps - old griefs - new life??

Yesterday was my last day at my job. I quit, and not a day too soon. I'm not sure how much longer I could make the hellish commute from Highland Park, N.J. to Collegeville, Pa. It was a delightful last day. My co-workers took me out to lunch and I spent the day transitioning my supervisor and colleagues.

I start my new job as a communications specialist in a financial services company on Monday, November 10. I will be working in Manhattan - a dream of mine for a very very very long time. It's amazing to me that just when one part of your life goes to Hell, another part of your life can go unbelievably smooth. As you well know, my romantic life is virtually non-existent. In fact, the thought kissing someone makes me want to vomit. I didn't have this problem when my last relationship dissolved - I jumped right into a new one, swiftly and easily. I guess that with my recently deceased relationship I just wasn't really ready to give him up yet. So, while my romantic life sucks harder than a hoover, my professional life seems to be making some great headway. Additionally, my friends are totally ruling right now. I had dinner with an oldie yesterday; spent today walking around Brooklyn and Manhattan with my future roommate, Kathryn (www.thesassykathy.com); had dinner tonight with my best friend from middle and high school; am working at my friend's booth at the Photography Expo in New York tomorrow; walking in the JDRF walk on Sunday morning with J and our friend Samantha who organized the J&J team; will be visiting Bryan in Orlando early next week; am hanging out with my brother at PSU next weekend; and just booked a trip to Ireland for Nov, 3-9! I am super busy and my life seems to kick ass, and it really does, but while I am content and feel very settled with everything, I can't help but be sad at the same time. The one friend I miss the most right now is J. I can't help it. We talk occasionally and email and text a bit, but dammit I miss that guy. I still can't believe we didn't make it. I just can't believe it. I'm doing alright without him. I'm staying busy and trying to not think about him, but he's still there. He pops into my mind at the most random times during the day. In many ways, this broken heart hurts so much more than the last one. But for some strange reason, I have been able to cope better this time around. Maybe it's because I am more confident in my ability to exist as a single entity; I know I don't need another person to strengthen my identity (wow -that phrase could be song lyrics!). I'm grieving (as evident in one of my previous posts) but the grieving process is manageable. Maybe, deep down, I am not truly convinced that he really wanted this to fail. And maybe I have been prepared for the relationship to disintegrate. Who knows.

So, the real reason I am blogging about all this stuff is the hope that someone out there who is going through a tough break up will read this and feel comforted by the knowledge that she/he is not alone. Because going through a break up is not easy and I often feel alone. Luckily, I have amazing friends and a loving family to help me through. So thanks friends and fam. You guys rock my socks off!

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