21 October 2008

The First Meeting

I saw J for the first time today since we broke up nine days ago. We had a long discussion via phone last night about our relationship, what it was and how we want things to look and feel. He has never been friends with an ex before. Me - well one of my best friends in the whole world, Bryan, is also an ex-boyfriend. Not only that, but he and I fell in love with each other at separate times during our semi-complicated relationship. But now, he's a dear friend and has been there to pick up the pieces of my heart each time it has been broken. And I have done the same for him. Anyway, I digress. So, J and I talked last night and both restated our intentions - to become friends and redevelop a relationship similar to the one we left behind when we started sleeping together. It's going to take time, but I'm confident that we will be able to reestablish a friendly relationship. Since we were friends for eight months before we started dating, I think this is possible.

I spent the afternoon working in Starbucks (the only benefit to being a consultant is that I can work remotely wherever I can get an Internet connection). He visited me and we actually had a normal conversation. What I found very interesting is that I used to get butterflies upon first glance - today, he was just J. Just J. That's it. The man I have known for more than a year. Yeah, we've seen each other naked. Yeah, he has seen my ugly boob scars (I had a breast reduction surgery two years ago) and wasn't disgusted. Yeah, we were in love and totally crazy about each other for months. But in the end, he's just J. My dear friend J. I looked into his eyes, like I had done a million times before, and for the first time I saw not just a man I love, but a man who is lost and confused. This whole break up thing has really opened my eyes to things about him I didn't want to see. Now that I see them, I am starting to realize that maybe I'm going to be okay without him; maybe breaking up with him is a good thing. I'm not totally convinced yet, but I think that as time goes by, I will believe this more and more. The really interesting thing though is that I still love him. I wonder if I ever won't. Knowing me though, because he at one time owned my heart, he will always have a piece of it. Let's just hope, for my sake, that the piece he owns becomes identical to the one Bryan owns, which is part of my heart dedicated to my friends.

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