14 January 2009

Weak back and weakening self control

I hurt my back, so much that I have to stop my marathon training. I want to scream. Training was the only think keeping me sane. The dull thud-thud-thud-breath-thud-thud-thud-breath is a combination of sounds that was like therapy to me. And now, it's over. At least for now. The physical therapist said he should have me back on my training regime in a few weeks, but it might be too late to reclaim my sanity.

You see, training was taking up so much time and energy, that I had no time to really think about J. However, in the past week, since I have cut down on training so drastically, I am beginning to feel the sense of panic I associate with having lost him. I resolved, right before Christmas, that he and I could not be friends, so all means of contact between the two of us have come to a halt. But, I am feeling myself weaken, my desire to speak to him and innate need to have him back in my life, albiet in some v. small way, is strengthening. And now I don't even have training to keep my mind off our non-existent friendship.

Must - stay - strong.

Must - find - new - "boyfriend."

(The word "boyfriend" is in quotations because it's not a serious relationship I need, it's just someone to keep my mind at ease. Some to have some no-strings-attached fun. So far, none of the men I have met and know have made the cut.)

Stupid weak back. Stupid weak self control.

No comments: