26 February 2009

The Facebook face slap; but it doesn't have to be

Every time I log onto Facebook, I notice that at least one of my "friends" is hitting a grown-up milestone. Whether it's a status update saying my grade and high school travel buddy is moving in with her boyfriend, a college friend changing his status to say 'married' or an acquaintance posting pictures of her new baby, it seems like everyone is growing up and taking the requisite steps into adulthood.

Approximately one year ago, I was on this path. I had already moved in with my boyfriend, was (I thought) on the way to exclaiming "Yes!" to a diamond ring and a few tiny years away from inhaling obscene amounts of folic acid and those other vitamins and minerals women need when trying to conceive or when they are already preggers. And while I chose to end that life, a life of being-the-woman-I-thought-I-should-be, I find that I still crave some of it. I crave the closeness of a serious relationship, knowing where my next sexy night will take place and with whom I will be with, the security that comes from knowing that he would never leave me, because I know that N would never have left if I hadn't ended the relationships myself early last spring. However, I also know that putting an end to that half-decade-long relationship saved me. In that relationship, I had, essentially, given up on my life.

Yet, I miss it. I miss having a man that adores me, because N did adore me. Looking back, I see that v. clearly. But in leaving him, I was able to fall in love with J. And while short, that relationship revived me, it pushed me out of my comfort zone and into the world of the living again.

Sure, my relationship status on Facebook says 'single' and there are no pictures of me with my baby and I've no boyfriend to move in with...not yet anyway. But I'm a believer and I believe that all that will happen to me. Maybe it won't be this year or even this decade, but I have faith that, with the help of my good friends, I'll somehow meet the perfect guy. Perhaps I already know him. Perhaps I won't meet him for another few years. But he's out there, waiting for me, too.

No comments: